Lingerdog's World

My blog focusing mostly on my creative writing endeavors, but also with updates on my life and how I am serving God.

Such a good weekend, but man I just don't know where I stand anymore. I need to man up.

Leaving mcdonalds after church there was a man sitting there and I knew I needed to talk to him, but I kept walking, I was supposed to talk to him about salvation but I was a coward.

And at the same time I did something so stupid, putting myself out there more than I ever have to get shot down. I used to have some bad behavior but it was out of arrogance, today I knew better, knew I was pushing where I shouldn't, knew I was going to go to far, and then I did. And I should apologize, but I haven't, I need to man up.

Everything good from this weekend was erased in a few seconds of the old me responding.

I hate being lonely, but I don't date. I have felt that when God knew I was ready that I would know who she was, but I'm finding that maybe I was wrong and either she isn't coming, or it's more work than I thought it would be. Should I start dating? There are other fish in the sea as they say, and I have been putting my eggs in one basket. People tell me I should move on, doesn't matter how I great I tell them she is. They tell me I need to man up.

I'm thinking about her now though, even though it hurts, I can;t get her off my mind, and that's a problem when you feel more for a person than they do for you. It's a recipe for disaster, for heartache, and yet I keep on, to caught up in my feelings for her to let go, to caught up in my sureness of what we can be together. I need to let go. I need to man up.

How do you do that though, how do you abandon someone you feel so strongly for, just because the relationship isn't what you wanted? How do you walk away from someone you call a friend? I can't, and walking away isn't being a man.

It's what I would have done. The hurt would have been so much at just the thought that I would have crossed the bridge, burnt it down and scattered the ashes.

But even though it hurts now, it's worth it if I get to see her smile one more time. And even more so when I know I put the smile on her face.

What's the difference between being available, and being a doormat? I can't answer that, I don't feel like a doormat though.

Man up! Serve God. Got an offer to preach today, ready to man up. Ready to preach the word.

I still don't understand it though, how can I feel this much for her? How can I miss a friend like this? Why do I have these feelings? How do I get rid of them if nothing is ever going to happen?

Part of me schemes, thinking maybe if you do this or that she'll see you in a different light, but the realist in me knows, she'll never have feelings for you. She's in love with someone else and as long as that's the case she'll never be able to give you a chance.

Does that mean she might miss out on something special, yes. But it means I miss out on that something special too.

It doesn't hurt any less to find out slow or fast that I'm playing for second no matter what.

It doesn't hurt any less to know that no matter how much fun, how much we click, how much we can talk, how close we grow that she will always see him first as she waits for him, like you wait for her.

Man up! Either go for it all or go home, but quit playing it safe. You can tell her how you feel, if it doesn't affect her then know it isn't going to happen. Because let's face it, if it was going to happen, it would.

So accept the loneliness of your life. Accept that for you, this may be all there is. Accept that for you she's not going to come around. Man up.

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Lingerdog's World

A Blog Dedicated to the ins and outs of my life, with occasional trips into creative writing.

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I love writing and am rediscovering that passion. I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and want to tell as many people as I can about him and what he has done for me.