Lingerdog's World

That's what I'm hearing from people, seems like I can't do anything right and all I get is a bunch of talking heads talking at me.

I've been down in the dumps, trying to see a way back out of the doldrums, but to no avail as I just seem to keep slipping further and further.

Felt a little like my old self earlier, and that's not a good thing.

It was all because of a song, came on, had me blaring it from the speakers in truck as I cruised back home, just wanting the song to wash all the pain and heartache out of my life.

That's what I used to do, just put something on the radio, pop in a cd or flip on the mp3 player and go ride around until I stopped hurting.

I never really stopped hurting, the music just sort of numbed it down.

And I know a lot of feeling this way is coming from my divorce moving full steam ahead, and having a pin to put in a date that will be a physical reminder of moving on. I almost wish the date would have been exactly one month later, it would have seemed so kismet.

What do I mean by that, well, I went on the first date with my future wife on June 16, we separated after I found out about her infidelity on June 16. I think it would have been just perfect to have the divorce date be June 16, but I guess May 16 is close enough.

The other thing driving the way I feel is a disagreement with a friend.

My life has been one miserable step after another into the dark clutches of loneliness and at times, despair. I'm a loser, inside and out.

I don't smile much, and if I do, it's probably a mask to hide what I really feel. That's why Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns resonates with me so much.



When I started going to church again, talking to people, it was an act to smile, to pretend I was supposed to be there. Trying to fit in, to be part of the church, to fit in somewhere. To see if it could be different than how it used to be at the church I grew up in, the one full of judgmental people that made me feel like I was trash just because I didn't measure up to some standard they had set in their mind for what a Christian was and was not.

And that's what I was reminded of so much this week, those people back then that made fun of the people that didn't fit in.

When you've been an outcast your whole life, you get a sense for who these people are, it keeps your sanity a little longer, it keeps you from getting hurt as much.

You know when one of those people comes along, if you're an outcast, it's time to get scarce unless you want to be hurt.

People seem to assume that because I'm a big guy I don't hurt. Because I'm the jovial fat guy that nothing phases me.

In this, they couldn't be more wrong.

I have questioned the path my life took, and I see a way out of this despair through God.

But then that way seems as hard and painful as the one I just came out of, if not more.

I never used to put myself out there for people, and now that I finally start doing that, feel the freedom to be myself, a situation like this comes along to make me question why I even tried in the first place.

It seems safer where I was, no I wasn't putting myself out there, but at least I couldn't be hurt by people I considered a friend.

I was given over to much thought of that old literary work where a path diverges in the wood, but which path to take.

I was thinking about it in relation to my impending divorce how I seemed to take one path while the wife took another, but it seems sometimes that there was a third path, steep and rocky down the side of a cliff which someone has thrown me against my will.

I haven't worn a mask at church in a while, I felt so safe there with God, safe enough to be myself, to open myself to being used by Him, to do His will.

But now, I'm afraid again, I'm questioning myself, what would God want with me. I felt like a pretender Wednesday night, like someone would soon pull the curtain back and see that I didn't meet the standards I hadn't known I needed to meet.

I feel helpless, and I hate feeling this way.

The only thing I know to do is pray about it, let God lead me through this valley until we reach the green pastures and the still waters. He is my comforter.