Lingerdog's World

It's been three months since my last entry, a lot has changed, and I realized today that I'm tired of living a lie, pretending I'm someone I'm not.
I live in fear of something almost all the time, call it anxiety disorder if you want. I won't do anything that holds the least bit of danger for fear of the myriad ways I might come to harm.
If I get invited to someones house, especially if I've only recently met them, I'll not go because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself. Why, I don't know as I seem to embarrass myself quite often without it bothering me.
When I'm behind the sound board at church I am scared of messing up during a song, I'm afraid of disrupting the service, it stresses me out so much sometimes it's ridiculous. If you were to happen to see me back there I'd probably be sweating to the point of endangering myself of dehydration. I'm afraid of letting people down from that position, if a cd won't play I blame myself, I should have been able to do something to make it play.
When I coach the softball team I freak out about having enough players there to play and I'm so afraid of hurting someones feelings because they didn't get to play that I make sure to devide the playing time equally only to have my judgement constantly questioned by people that think they can do it better, or fairer.
I got divorced this week, finally, after two years of separation. It wasn't something I wanted but it had to happen, the marriage was over, the woman I loved was gone forever. So was the man I used to be.
I say I'm okay, and mostly I am, but I've felt kind of numb most of the week and I'm afraid to fall back into the depression I was in two years ago, and I can feel it there, oh so close.
I used to teach Sunday School but the class was given to someone else. I said I didn't mind, and I don't, the reasons for the switch are both logical and Biblical, but...
See I tell myself it's God preparing me for something else, trying to teach me something through this, He's opening a door for me somewhere else already. I believe this, but...
It still hurt, you question was it something I did, you try to figure out what you did wrong, did you over step your bounds, could you have done something to keep teaching the class. And no matter how many times you're told you did nothing wrong, it was done for reasons having nothing to do with anything you did or did not do, well when you have had self esteem issues for as long as you can remember, you just know that somewhere in there, you are at fault.
I'm afraid of dying.
Not because I'm afraid of what comes next. I rest secure in where I'll rest secure for eternity. I believe Jesus Christ was the son of God sent to die for the sins of mankind. I believe he arose three days later fulfilling the scriptures.
I fear laying in a hospital bed slowly dying with nothing I can do to help myself. I fear a painful death. I worry about what happens after I'm gone.
I worry about my brother and his family. I worry about my father and his alcoholism. I worry about my mother and her beliefs and wonder what she really thinks about my salvation sometimes.
Sometimes I miss my wife. It's especially bad after I dream about her. You would think I would have nothing but nightmares with the way we ended, but in two years I can maybe remember two legitimate nightmares about her. Usually if I dream about her it's as if you took a snap shot of our life before the dark days came. We'll be doing something simple, fixing breakfast, just sitting together watching television, doing family things with our son. We'll be in love like we used to be, or like I thought we were, and then I'll wake up, and she won't be there.
I'll have this incredible longing for her, like an ache, wishing she was there, angry at what we lost, wishing I could just go back to sleep and dream that dream...forever.
I say that I don't hurt anymore, but when I dream that dream, I hurt, and I try to understand why.
I'm afraid of losing my friends.
I'm afraid some of my friends aren't really, that I'm just tolerated as much as I can be.
I'm afraid I push people away. That I act so annoying that people don't want me around, and no, I don't believe when people tell me that isn't the case. That's how messed up my self esteem is.
It doesn't matter how many poems I write and hear how good they are, I still think they're garbage and maybe if I write them for long enough, one day I'll write something that is good.
I've been called a bully several times, I'm starting to believe it must be true.
I used to sing in church, and sometimes want to again but I know how I sound now.
If I did I would sing "How Can I Keep From Singing" by Chris Tomlin and "Manifesto" by The City Harmonic
I listen to those songs, and that's what I think worship should be, and explosion of joy at what God has done for me, so much joy that I can't help but shout at what He did and praise Him for what He's done with me.
I wish I were something more than I am.
And that's the truth. I hurt, a lot. I walk around a fragile shell inside this giant body. I pretend everything bounces off of me, but it usually sticks. I wish It didn't but it does, and I guess I'm saying I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to let go. I'm going to stop fighting when I feel God talking to me, when I hear his still small voice in my heart, I'm not going to hold back for fear of the floodgates of so many years of hurt turning loose at once. I'm going to let go and let God know just how much I think Him for what He does in my life every day. I'm going to thank Him for the man He is making me.
I'm going to stand up and shout. I'm going to quit fighting the sculptor, I'm going to let Him make me what He wants me to be.
And if I'm fragile anymore, it's only because I'm not finished going through the fire yet, but one day I will be. Tried, ready and in position to do all that God asks of me.