Lingerdog's World

I see it on facebook a good bit, the "my husband is doing x....and I can't stand it!" postings from disgruntled wives.
X can be a variety of things, football, video games, drinking beer.
It always goes the same way.
"I am so tired of my husband doing nothing but playing video games every evening!"
There sometimes is, sometimes isn't a veiled threat to not put up with any more of that crap.
I want to say something about this pattern of behavior.
If he did put down the video game, turn off sports center, decide not to drink in the evenings anymore, would it change the way you look at him?
If he was putting the time and attention into you that he did the other thing, after a few days, weeks, months, would you be complaining that he needs a hobby, needs to find some friends to hang out with, needs to give you some space because he's too clingy.
Would you appreciate what you have, or just find something else to complain about within the relationship.
See to me, it looks like their is an unhappiness and rather than deal with the relationship it is easier to vent on facebook about your crummy husband, then feel better when you get a host of "I'm right there with you girlfriend," posts. Or even the occasional self esteem boost when that guy that was cute in high school, but now really looks like an overweight balding bulldog, tells you how he would never treat you that way if you were his woman.
There is an unwillingness to deal with the reality of life on both parts, one retreats to video games, while the other retreats to a high school mentality of bashing their significant other to whoever will listen, to get their very own little narcissistic shot in the arm. A very special dose of "I'm special, I'm important, look at me!"
But at least the one hiding in the video games isn't belittling their spouse to make themselves feel better.
And I'm not saying the video games is better, and it can be a chicken/egg question at times, does he retreat to video games because he feels you only ever put him down rather than trying to uplift him when he makes a mistake.
Both are broken individuals and for very different reasons. Both have fragile egos, hence running away to hide in video games or that facebook ego stroking.
So what's my advice?
Quit looking to feel better about your relationship through external distraction and start working on the relationship from the inside out.
Make a decision to turn off the games, made the choice to take problems in the relationship to the relationship partner and not your friends.
And I've heard it before, "but I need my friends advice!"
No you don't, you just want it. You want to hear them say you are right and he is wrong. You want to feel like whatever you do is the correct thing. But guess what, when you're an adult, it's okay to choose on your own, and yes, you may make a mistake, but it's part of growing up.
As for the guys playing video games, what's wrong with you?
You've got the woman you love right there! Why would you get her and then want to ignore her, was it truly all about the chase for you? Is she that unimportant to you, or do you love her?
Friend, if I had the woman I loved, I can guarantee there would be more fear of me being called clingy than that I was ignoring her to play video games. You had plenty of time for games when you were a kid, you better love your wife while you can. You never know how much time you have.
And on the flip side of that, I'll tell you about my personal experience.
See I was married for a few years. I didn't go to bars, or hanging out with friends or playing video games or any hundreds of other options. At the end of the day, I went home to be with my wife and son.
But she was just as broken as the men and women I talked about above. She would tell me I didn't show her that I loved her enough, and I don't mean big things, just little hugs and kisses around the house, but when I put forth more effort, guess what, I was too clingy and I should let her breathe a little.
She had a few friends she confided in, problems with the marriage. That she was unhappy, that we were both unhappy. Friends that encouraged her to divorce me.
It's the one hang up I have, if you're a friend of the marriage, why not say talk to your husband? Why not say tell your husband that something needs to be done to save a marriage that's on the rocks?
The problem was she wasn't telling the truth in the first place. No more than one of us was unhappy, see I was happy at the time, I was with the woman I loved and would have moved mountains to make the marriage work.
But I didn't know there were cracks in the foundation. She wasn't talking to me about what really bothered her, she was seeing if her friends thought she should do what she already wanted to do. She was testing the waters to see if they thought it was okay for her to leave.
She had already decided what she wanted, and in a world where what you want is all that matters, she just wanted to make sure she was right before she left.
I was painted as a tyrant around the house, forcing her to cook and clean do all the laundry raise our son and for her to be ready for me every night.
That I was verbally abusive. One of the friends called me an ass.
If any of my friends ever said something negative like that about my wife, we wouldn't be friends, but I wasn't telling the stories about her that she was telling about me.
See it's a little trick of manipulation, when you want someone to agree with you, you paint a picture that makes it impossible for them not to agree with you.
The reality is, my wife was very broken, I have no doubt that she was unhappy, but happiness comes from within, that's how some people can be happy even in the darkest storms of life, they choose to own happiness rather than unhappiness.
Whether she ever gets to the core of her brokenness I'll probably never know.
I've forgiven her for the choices she made. I don't desire to be friends with her. I can forgive someone who cheats on me, but I can't be friends with one that changes as much as she did.
It's another paradox of the brokenness. You don't change when you hang around different people unless you are conforming to try and be something you aren't.
I've realized that though I was happy then, there is more happiness here now, even though I am alone, I have a freedom with myself that I didn't before. I am finally becoming the man I was meant to be. And I know that more happiness is in my future, but it isn't dependent upon someone else.
See when you start allowing your happiness to come from how someone else makes you feel, eventually, you'll always be let down.
I guess if this story has any moral, it's do what you want.
Guys play the video games and keep their wives while I gave her as much attention as she wanted and ended up staring down at my empty hands.
Just know that when you pursue only that which you want, you may leave a trail of hurt behind you.
And maybe try to figure out why you want to do something before you go and do it.
Many a marriage as ended with one partner asking, "why are we getting divorced?" Only to be met with the answer of, "I don't know, I guess we just grew apart."
Maybe get to know the person better before you marry them, and not just your endorphin induced vision of who you think they are, and you'll be complaining less about the person you finally do marry.
Love can be blind, it doesn't have to be stupid too.