Not Anymore Not that person you once were anymore, and it frightens me. See you've made it through that swinging door, and stand for all to see. Unashamed in your standing, unabashed in your way. Proud and high, facing each day.
A Decision Feelings I have longed for since I can remember but feelings I can't share not a peep into her ear. It's more than she is ready for and though it breaks my heart I have to let her go her way for that is where we start. There can be no more than what we have now and honor her wishes I must that is my solemn vow. She came to me upon a dream and melted my heart of stone and left me lonely in the morn once realized I the dream was gone. How can a man make known his feelings in the matter without appearing weak and stirring up a clatter. I know he thinks it's no big deal but in his heart he believes it's real. So much to lose if he should speak and frightened man laments why am I so weak? No one wants a man who is so timid afraid to speak what he wants while keeping the truth hid. He's been burnt before and knows she has been too and struggle with this he must what should a brave man do? Overstepping boundaries stated time and time he cannot lose her now he cannot cross that line. So he tries to decide which path to take hold his silence, or speak up which one should he make.
Tonight Pastor Matt was talking about holding on to sin and there was this idea, How do you ever get rid of sin when you are holding onto it with both hands.
I got to thinking, sin isn't the only thing we hold on to in life while trying to overcome that very thing.
For some it's a hurt, a broken heart, a former significant other, a slight, a good time in your life.
We can get so caught up in holding on to that part of the past that we stop moving forward, stop healing, stop becoming who we are meant to be.
We miss out on friendships, fellowship, happiness and just good things in our life because we are focused on that thing. We are holding on to it because how dare it hurt you like that. How dare you break my heart. How dare you leave me.
We can't move beyond that moment into acceptance of what happened. We are still living in that moment.
I think especially when we are hurt we just want someone to recognize that, to tell us, "I've been there too, I feel your pain."
So we lash out at the unfairness of it. Why should I accept what happened because it was so unfair.
But we miss out on so much. It took me a while to get this, I can look back and see when I did it, but I don't think I really got it until now, how much stuff I missed because even when I said I wasn't, I was still living in that moment rather than accepting that it happened and healing.
See that's what you get to do when you accept it, you get to heal. When you can't accept it the band aid keeps getting ripped off anew. You hold friends accountable for something they didn't do because you haven't allowed yourself to heal.
Acceptance doesn't mean that you are insignificant, or that what happened wasn't wrong, it just means you have decided that that moment will no longer rule your life. You can make decisions free of the burden of the past, without fear.
You can live a fearless life. You can accept your past and accept that the future is now yours.
The relic sits high upon the shelf untouchable to tiny hands shaped by a master craftsman many years ago a little man sitting on a stool a corncob pipe puffing smoke a glint in his eye frozen there in time the paint faded now but still fresh in her eyes even though he's gone now these ten years it was their first date she thought it was cute he got it for her cost him what he had on him they were poor weren't supposed to make it but against the odds they lived happily until the day like a fast approaching storm the sickness came and took him away and now it sits there a reminder she doesn't really need but one she cherishes because it's a memory of him she takes it down hands it to me in my small hands it seems huge and she tell me about him how he was a man so much bigger than life how his hands built this house and how he had loved his family she started to cry her face a mask of misery but also of joy as she remembered I held the figurine back out to her with trembling hands she took it she put it back in its place then smiling took me in her lap that was him she whispered then took a photo from the shelf your grandfather how I wish he could have seen you
On the way home from church this evening I saw people sitting on a grave, probably talking about the person buried there.
I lost a friend this week named Ron. He was a friend to me but a great friend to my brother. He was one of those bigger than life people that come along every so often. Ron was always smiling, and it's shocking that he is gone so soon. I wish I had said more the last time I talked to him. I made a mix cd once, he wanted a copy because he liked the songs on it. We played cards, and it seemed like we were always facing each other down across the table. I remember one of the first times I played, I didn't know how to play but picked the game up quickly. I played without fear. He said he liked how I played. He'll be missed.
I saw an overweight woman in a motorized wheelchair with a baby in her arms.
I drove past run down houses.
I saw an alcoholic father who is almost the man he used to be, on the days he doesn't drink.
Broken people are everywhere. And I can't fault others for this because I used to do it to, just drive past them without a thought given to their condition or what struggles they might face in life.
There are people out there dealing with loss, unemployment, fear, self loathing, regret, pain both physical, mental and emotional. Largely they are ignored.
But there was this man named Jesus 2000 years ago that saw the broken people, he came so they could be healed. We as Christians have largely forgotten that was what Christ came for, we have started to believe He was here to judge. Read what He did though, read what was written about Him before He came and after He left.
He came to set captives free.
That's why I knock on doors that holds who knows what behind them, because though their life might not change that much after salvation, they will be free to enjoy the fruits of the spirit. Though the world might try to bind them, they are free.
They don't have to be broken.
I saw one last broken person tonight.
His face is plain, hard to read as I look at him. His hair is neither long nor short, but it needs to be longer or shorter because right now it doesn't look particularly well. He is quick with a smile, but bashful with it at times. He has struggled with some things in his life he never thought he would have to, but he says he's getting through them with God. He has friends, a few are close and one new one he isn't always sure how to react to. He told a friend a lie he hasn't corrected yet because he was ashamed of what they might think of him. He has lived his life worried about what others thought of him even though he claims he doesn't care. He thinks he doesn't look good enough. Good enough for what? To date really. He obsesses sometimes about what it would take to look like what women want a man to look like, because in his head for all too long he has been convinced that women want A., B. or C. and all his life he's been a X. He wonders why things went the way they did with his wife, he wonders if he's so smart why he didn't see it coming. He has so many insecurities he wonders what people would think if they knew every last one of them. He wonders sometimes if the things he writes make him seem weird. I looked at this broken man who has been letting God heal him and I smile, he smiles back. I wave and he waves back. I stare into the eyes before me in the mirror and say, it's okay to let the brokenness go.
A friend posted this song to my facebook and it just smacks me in the face with what I'm talking about, and how God sees us.
I've been changing more than I knew. Thought things were one way when they were another, but the outcome didn't crush me. A year and a half ago I would have probably felt like the world was caving in around me, apparently I've become stronger through Christ who strengtheneth me than I knew.
And because I wasn't crushed, good things came out of it. I made a new friend, well I didn't make the friend but rather met the friend.
I've been trying to convince her I'm weird but either it isn't working or she is too nice to tell me I'm weird.
It's been a great week. A great month.
A month ago I had never been door to door witnessing and my friend Michael invited me to go with him, so we went and put tracts on cars. We did the same the next week, and then we made ourselves go door to door the next. And we had to push ourselves, or we might have backed out. This week we hope to have twenty men leaving from the church to do this. Some say twenty is a lot, I say god could bring us 20,000 if we let him work, in our hearts, in our minds and we get a passion for reaching the lost.
I can't speak for Michael, but I know how my heart has been changed by this, how eager I am to get out there and tell more people about Jesus Christ and what He has done in my life.
And just now I realize a thought that has been circling since it was brought up in conversation earlier. If I hadn't been so anxious and afraid of things my whole life, God couldn't show how fearless I am now.
I'm no longer afraid to witness, no longer afraid to have a girl who's just a friend (note to self, probably should have done that years ago), no longer afraid of rejection, and I feared that bad boy like a plague.
In other words, I have a clearer picture of who I am now. I've been in a cocoon of my own making for the most part and I'm finally braving the outside world. Thank you God for the strength to become the man you would have me to be. To not be afraid of the unknown, to not over think everything, thank you for giving me the ability to let go, and let you reign in my life.
I don't think I've ever been happier in my life.
And now a little Fireflight for your listening pleasure.
It's been three months since my last entry, a lot has changed, and I realized today that I'm tired of living a lie, pretending I'm someone I'm not. I live in fear of something almost all the time, call it anxiety disorder if you want. I won't do anything that holds the least bit of danger for fear of the myriad ways I might come to harm. If I get invited to someones house, especially if I've only recently met them, I'll not go because I'm afraid of embarrassing myself. Why, I don't know as I seem to embarrass myself quite often without it bothering me. When I'm behind the sound board at church I am scared of messing up during a song, I'm afraid of disrupting the service, it stresses me out so much sometimes it's ridiculous. If you were to happen to see me back there I'd probably be sweating to the point of endangering myself of dehydration. I'm afraid of letting people down from that position, if a cd won't play I blame myself, I should have been able to do something to make it play. When I coach the softball team I freak out about having enough players there to play and I'm so afraid of hurting someones feelings because they didn't get to play that I make sure to devide the playing time equally only to have my judgement constantly questioned by people that think they can do it better, or fairer. I got divorced this week, finally, after two years of separation. It wasn't something I wanted but it had to happen, the marriage was over, the woman I loved was gone forever. So was the man I used to be. I say I'm okay, and mostly I am, but I've felt kind of numb most of the week and I'm afraid to fall back into the depression I was in two years ago, and I can feel it there, oh so close. I used to teach Sunday School but the class was given to someone else. I said I didn't mind, and I don't, the reasons for the switch are both logical and Biblical, but... See I tell myself it's God preparing me for something else, trying to teach me something through this, He's opening a door for me somewhere else already. I believe this, but... It still hurt, you question was it something I did, you try to figure out what you did wrong, did you over step your bounds, could you have done something to keep teaching the class. And no matter how many times you're told you did nothing wrong, it was done for reasons having nothing to do with anything you did or did not do, well when you have had self esteem issues for as long as you can remember, you just know that somewhere in there, you are at fault. I'm afraid of dying. Not because I'm afraid of what comes next. I rest secure in where I'll rest secure for eternity. I believe Jesus Christ was the son of God sent to die for the sins of mankind. I believe he arose three days later fulfilling the scriptures. I fear laying in a hospital bed slowly dying with nothing I can do to help myself. I fear a painful death. I worry about what happens after I'm gone. I worry about my brother and his family. I worry about my father and his alcoholism. I worry about my mother and her beliefs and wonder what she really thinks about my salvation sometimes. Sometimes I miss my wife. It's especially bad after I dream about her. You would think I would have nothing but nightmares with the way we ended, but in two years I can maybe remember two legitimate nightmares about her. Usually if I dream about her it's as if you took a snap shot of our life before the dark days came. We'll be doing something simple, fixing breakfast, just sitting together watching television, doing family things with our son. We'll be in love like we used to be, or like I thought we were, and then I'll wake up, and she won't be there. I'll have this incredible longing for her, like an ache, wishing she was there, angry at what we lost, wishing I could just go back to sleep and dream that dream...forever. I say that I don't hurt anymore, but when I dream that dream, I hurt, and I try to understand why. I'm afraid of losing my friends. I'm afraid some of my friends aren't really, that I'm just tolerated as much as I can be. I'm afraid I push people away. That I act so annoying that people don't want me around, and no, I don't believe when people tell me that isn't the case. That's how messed up my self esteem is. It doesn't matter how many poems I write and hear how good they are, I still think they're garbage and maybe if I write them for long enough, one day I'll write something that is good. I've been called a bully several times, I'm starting to believe it must be true. I used to sing in church, and sometimes want to again but I know how I sound now. If I did I would sing "How Can I Keep From Singing" by Chris Tomlin and "Manifesto" by The City Harmonic I listen to those songs, and that's what I think worship should be, and explosion of joy at what God has done for me, so much joy that I can't help but shout at what He did and praise Him for what He's done with me. I wish I were something more than I am. And that's the truth. I hurt, a lot. I walk around a fragile shell inside this giant body. I pretend everything bounces off of me, but it usually sticks. I wish It didn't but it does, and I guess I'm saying I'm not going to pretend anymore. I'm going to let go. I'm going to stop fighting when I feel God talking to me, when I hear his still small voice in my heart, I'm not going to hold back for fear of the floodgates of so many years of hurt turning loose at once. I'm going to let go and let God know just how much I think Him for what He does in my life every day. I'm going to thank Him for the man He is making me. I'm going to stand up and shout. I'm going to quit fighting the sculptor, I'm going to let Him make me what He wants me to be. And if I'm fragile anymore, it's only because I'm not finished going through the fire yet, but one day I will be. Tried, ready and in position to do all that God asks of me.
That's what I'm hearing from people, seems like I can't do anything right and all I get is a bunch of talking heads talking at me.
I've been down in the dumps, trying to see a way back out of the doldrums, but to no avail as I just seem to keep slipping further and further.
Felt a little like my old self earlier, and that's not a good thing.
It was all because of a song, came on, had me blaring it from the speakers in truck as I cruised back home, just wanting the song to wash all the pain and heartache out of my life.
That's what I used to do, just put something on the radio, pop in a cd or flip on the mp3 player and go ride around until I stopped hurting.
I never really stopped hurting, the music just sort of numbed it down.
And I know a lot of feeling this way is coming from my divorce moving full steam ahead, and having a pin to put in a date that will be a physical reminder of moving on. I almost wish the date would have been exactly one month later, it would have seemed so kismet.
What do I mean by that, well, I went on the first date with my future wife on June 16, we separated after I found out about her infidelity on June 16. I think it would have been just perfect to have the divorce date be June 16, but I guess May 16 is close enough.
The other thing driving the way I feel is a disagreement with a friend.
My life has been one miserable step after another into the dark clutches of loneliness and at times, despair. I'm a loser, inside and out.
I don't smile much, and if I do, it's probably a mask to hide what I really feel. That's why Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns resonates with me so much.
When I started going to church again, talking to people, it was an act to smile, to pretend I was supposed to be there. Trying to fit in, to be part of the church, to fit in somewhere. To see if it could be different than how it used to be at the church I grew up in, the one full of judgmental people that made me feel like I was trash just because I didn't measure up to some standard they had set in their mind for what a Christian was and was not.
And that's what I was reminded of so much this week, those people back then that made fun of the people that didn't fit in.
When you've been an outcast your whole life, you get a sense for who these people are, it keeps your sanity a little longer, it keeps you from getting hurt as much.
You know when one of those people comes along, if you're an outcast, it's time to get scarce unless you want to be hurt.
People seem to assume that because I'm a big guy I don't hurt. Because I'm the jovial fat guy that nothing phases me.
In this, they couldn't be more wrong.
I have questioned the path my life took, and I see a way out of this despair through God.
But then that way seems as hard and painful as the one I just came out of, if not more.
I never used to put myself out there for people, and now that I finally start doing that, feel the freedom to be myself, a situation like this comes along to make me question why I even tried in the first place.
It seems safer where I was, no I wasn't putting myself out there, but at least I couldn't be hurt by people I considered a friend.
I was given over to much thought of that old literary work where a path diverges in the wood, but which path to take.
I was thinking about it in relation to my impending divorce how I seemed to take one path while the wife took another, but it seems sometimes that there was a third path, steep and rocky down the side of a cliff which someone has thrown me against my will.
I haven't worn a mask at church in a while, I felt so safe there with God, safe enough to be myself, to open myself to being used by Him, to do His will.
But now, I'm afraid again, I'm questioning myself, what would God want with me. I felt like a pretender Wednesday night, like someone would soon pull the curtain back and see that I didn't meet the standards I hadn't known I needed to meet.
I feel helpless, and I hate feeling this way.
The only thing I know to do is pray about it, let God lead me through this valley until we reach the green pastures and the still waters. He is my comforter.
I love writing and am rediscovering that passion. I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and want to tell as many people as I can about him and what he has done for me.
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