Lingerdog's World

That's what I'm hearing from people, seems like I can't do anything right and all I get is a bunch of talking heads talking at me.

I've been down in the dumps, trying to see a way back out of the doldrums, but to no avail as I just seem to keep slipping further and further.

Felt a little like my old self earlier, and that's not a good thing.

It was all because of a song, came on, had me blaring it from the speakers in truck as I cruised back home, just wanting the song to wash all the pain and heartache out of my life.

That's what I used to do, just put something on the radio, pop in a cd or flip on the mp3 player and go ride around until I stopped hurting.

I never really stopped hurting, the music just sort of numbed it down.

And I know a lot of feeling this way is coming from my divorce moving full steam ahead, and having a pin to put in a date that will be a physical reminder of moving on. I almost wish the date would have been exactly one month later, it would have seemed so kismet.

What do I mean by that, well, I went on the first date with my future wife on June 16, we separated after I found out about her infidelity on June 16. I think it would have been just perfect to have the divorce date be June 16, but I guess May 16 is close enough.

The other thing driving the way I feel is a disagreement with a friend.

My life has been one miserable step after another into the dark clutches of loneliness and at times, despair. I'm a loser, inside and out.

I don't smile much, and if I do, it's probably a mask to hide what I really feel. That's why Stained Glass Masquerade by Casting Crowns resonates with me so much.



When I started going to church again, talking to people, it was an act to smile, to pretend I was supposed to be there. Trying to fit in, to be part of the church, to fit in somewhere. To see if it could be different than how it used to be at the church I grew up in, the one full of judgmental people that made me feel like I was trash just because I didn't measure up to some standard they had set in their mind for what a Christian was and was not.

And that's what I was reminded of so much this week, those people back then that made fun of the people that didn't fit in.

When you've been an outcast your whole life, you get a sense for who these people are, it keeps your sanity a little longer, it keeps you from getting hurt as much.

You know when one of those people comes along, if you're an outcast, it's time to get scarce unless you want to be hurt.

People seem to assume that because I'm a big guy I don't hurt. Because I'm the jovial fat guy that nothing phases me.

In this, they couldn't be more wrong.

I have questioned the path my life took, and I see a way out of this despair through God.

But then that way seems as hard and painful as the one I just came out of, if not more.

I never used to put myself out there for people, and now that I finally start doing that, feel the freedom to be myself, a situation like this comes along to make me question why I even tried in the first place.

It seems safer where I was, no I wasn't putting myself out there, but at least I couldn't be hurt by people I considered a friend.

I was given over to much thought of that old literary work where a path diverges in the wood, but which path to take.

I was thinking about it in relation to my impending divorce how I seemed to take one path while the wife took another, but it seems sometimes that there was a third path, steep and rocky down the side of a cliff which someone has thrown me against my will.

I haven't worn a mask at church in a while, I felt so safe there with God, safe enough to be myself, to open myself to being used by Him, to do His will.

But now, I'm afraid again, I'm questioning myself, what would God want with me. I felt like a pretender Wednesday night, like someone would soon pull the curtain back and see that I didn't meet the standards I hadn't known I needed to meet.

I feel helpless, and I hate feeling this way.

The only thing I know to do is pray about it, let God lead me through this valley until we reach the green pastures and the still waters. He is my comforter.

I see it on facebook a good bit, the "my husband is doing x....and I can't stand it!" postings from disgruntled wives.
X can be a variety of things, football, video games, drinking beer.
It always goes the same way.
"I am so tired of my husband doing nothing but playing video games every evening!"
There sometimes is, sometimes isn't a veiled threat to not put up with any more of that crap.
I want to say something about this pattern of behavior.
If he did put down the video game, turn off sports center, decide not to drink in the evenings anymore, would it change the way you look at him?
If he was putting the time and attention into you that he did the other thing, after a few days, weeks, months, would you be complaining that he needs a hobby, needs to find some friends to hang out with, needs to give you some space because he's too clingy.
Would you appreciate what you have, or just find something else to complain about within the relationship.
See to me, it looks like their is an unhappiness and rather than deal with the relationship it is easier to vent on facebook about your crummy husband, then feel better when you get a host of "I'm right there with you girlfriend," posts. Or even the occasional self esteem boost when that guy that was cute in high school, but now really looks like an overweight balding bulldog, tells you how he would never treat you that way if you were his woman.
There is an unwillingness to deal with the reality of life on both parts, one retreats to video games, while the other retreats to a high school mentality of bashing their significant other to whoever will listen, to get their very own little narcissistic shot in the arm. A very special dose of "I'm special, I'm important, look at me!"
But at least the one hiding in the video games isn't belittling their spouse to make themselves feel better.
And I'm not saying the video games is better, and it can be a chicken/egg question at times, does he retreat to video games because he feels you only ever put him down rather than trying to uplift him when he makes a mistake.
Both are broken individuals and for very different reasons. Both have fragile egos, hence running away to hide in video games or that facebook ego stroking.
So what's my advice?
Quit looking to feel better about your relationship through external distraction and start working on the relationship from the inside out.
Make a decision to turn off the games, made the choice to take problems in the relationship to the relationship partner and not your friends.
And I've heard it before, "but I need my friends advice!"
No you don't, you just want it. You want to hear them say you are right and he is wrong. You want to feel like whatever you do is the correct thing. But guess what, when you're an adult, it's okay to choose on your own, and yes, you may make a mistake, but it's part of growing up.
As for the guys playing video games, what's wrong with you?
You've got the woman you love right there! Why would you get her and then want to ignore her, was it truly all about the chase for you? Is she that unimportant to you, or do you love her?
Friend, if I had the woman I loved, I can guarantee there would be more fear of me being called clingy than that I was ignoring her to play video games. You had plenty of time for games when you were a kid, you better love your wife while you can. You never know how much time you have.
And on the flip side of that, I'll tell you about my personal experience.
See I was married for a few years. I didn't go to bars, or hanging out with friends or playing video games or any hundreds of other options. At the end of the day, I went home to be with my wife and son.
But she was just as broken as the men and women I talked about above. She would tell me I didn't show her that I loved her enough, and I don't mean big things, just little hugs and kisses around the house, but when I put forth more effort, guess what, I was too clingy and I should let her breathe a little.
She had a few friends she confided in, problems with the marriage. That she was unhappy, that we were both unhappy. Friends that encouraged her to divorce me.
It's the one hang up I have, if you're a friend of the marriage, why not say talk to your husband? Why not say tell your husband that something needs to be done to save a marriage that's on the rocks?
The problem was she wasn't telling the truth in the first place. No more than one of us was unhappy, see I was happy at the time, I was with the woman I loved and would have moved mountains to make the marriage work.
But I didn't know there were cracks in the foundation. She wasn't talking to me about what really bothered her, she was seeing if her friends thought she should do what she already wanted to do. She was testing the waters to see if they thought it was okay for her to leave.
She had already decided what she wanted, and in a world where what you want is all that matters, she just wanted to make sure she was right before she left.
I was painted as a tyrant around the house, forcing her to cook and clean do all the laundry raise our son and for her to be ready for me every night.
That I was verbally abusive. One of the friends called me an ass.
If any of my friends ever said something negative like that about my wife, we wouldn't be friends, but I wasn't telling the stories about her that she was telling about me.
See it's a little trick of manipulation, when you want someone to agree with you, you paint a picture that makes it impossible for them not to agree with you.
The reality is, my wife was very broken, I have no doubt that she was unhappy, but happiness comes from within, that's how some people can be happy even in the darkest storms of life, they choose to own happiness rather than unhappiness.
Whether she ever gets to the core of her brokenness I'll probably never know.
I've forgiven her for the choices she made. I don't desire to be friends with her. I can forgive someone who cheats on me, but I can't be friends with one that changes as much as she did.
It's another paradox of the brokenness. You don't change when you hang around different people unless you are conforming to try and be something you aren't.
I've realized that though I was happy then, there is more happiness here now, even though I am alone, I have a freedom with myself that I didn't before. I am finally becoming the man I was meant to be. And I know that more happiness is in my future, but it isn't dependent upon someone else.
See when you start allowing your happiness to come from how someone else makes you feel, eventually, you'll always be let down.
I guess if this story has any moral, it's do what you want.
Guys play the video games and keep their wives while I gave her as much attention as she wanted and ended up staring down at my empty hands.
Just know that when you pursue only that which you want, you may leave a trail of hurt behind you.
And maybe try to figure out why you want to do something before you go and do it.
Many a marriage as ended with one partner asking, "why are we getting divorced?" Only to be met with the answer of, "I don't know, I guess we just grew apart."
Maybe get to know the person better before you marry them, and not just your endorphin induced vision of who you think they are, and you'll be complaining less about the person you finally do marry.
Love can be blind, it doesn't have to be stupid too.

Lonely, I'm mister lonely,
and I don't know what to do,
cause ever since the day,
you walked out of my life,
my heads been spinning round and round
asking just one question now...
Why, did I settle for you,
and let you turn my heart into a lifeless lump of clay?
And I don't understand
how I let you walk all over me
let you underneath my skin
like an incurable disease
You tried to run my life you filthy
who're you to think you can do what you want
to whomever you like
and just walk away from the carnage
my head still spinning
but not because of what you did
I see you clearly for what you always were
It's spinning because I believed you for
so long, goodbye farewell.

I was in walmart this afternoon, like say 12:30 afternoon time, and I noticed what appeared to be urine in the floor on the diaper/cookie aisle, don't ask me why they put those things on the same aisle, I assume it's because they hope the children will beg for cookies while the parent is just trying to get some pampers, but anyway, it looked like urine, I went around it and continued my shopping.

I work form the back to the front and so I finally make it to the front of the store, aisle 2.

You know, I have joked in the past if there was a story of someone messing themselves, the one time a lady pooped in the floor at a local pharmacy, I just say clean up in aisle two.

Well, when you see what can only be a big ole' pile of crap in the floor at walmart, having been ran through with someones buggy at least once, leaving a little line from the buggy wheel in it, and then a dashed line for a few feet from every time the wheel rotated to the part that had made contact with said doo doo.

Well, the laughter stops.

Sure I thought of taking a pic for people of walmart, but then, if someone saw me taking a pic of crap, what are they going to think about me?

So I went to the service desk, and told the guy, ya'll need to get someone over to aisle two because it looks like someone took a crap over there.

Now, I was expecting disgust, which I got from him, but what I didn't expect was for him to act like it wasn't the first time this has happened, heck he didn't even seem surprised, just picked up the phone and called for maintenance to head for aisle two for a cleanup.

I wonder how many people rushed to see what was spilled only to be met with the horror, and I wonder what the maintenance guy did when he got there and saw what needed to be cleaned up.

Wonder if he thought, same crap, different day.

I've missed the past few days, really I should work on this during the day rather than at night when I should be getting ready for bed, but no, I wait until I am fighting sleep as I write half the time.

Been getting more hours at work these past two weeks, which is incredible, but it has thrown my schedule off a little, should be back to normal by next week though.

Went and heard my pastor preach at a tent revival this past Monday, it was good. Preached on Abraham and Sarah and how God gave them a child in their old age. And one of the things that jumped out at me was this in Genesis 18:14 "At the time appointed I will return unto thee."

It got me to thinking about my years out in the world, and the timing of my return to church.

When I was young I believed I was to be a preacher, don't know why, but I did. Years went by and I fell away, but God never abandoned me, and I know he has a purpose for me. When my life was turned upside down, before I set foot back into a church I said to an uncle that I felt like I was being pushed to do something, I just didn't know what.

I wonder now if it is the appointed time and God has called me back into service to fulfill his plans for me. Whether that be preaching or something else, I don't know, but I do know it's something. I am here in this time and place, having been brought through the fire, tested and made ready, to do what is required of me.

I'm looking forward to being used of God.

I thought about going and doing some grocery shopping tonight, like ten minutes ago. Started figuring my finances in my head, and how likely it would be that I would make myself a snack once I returned with said groceries.

Decided I needed to sleep before church in the morning, and I'll just grab me a biscuit then.

Football season is coming and I'm starting to get amped up for it. high school, college and pro, I'm ready!

I really wish my high school would have went with a new logo for the new school, same mascot, just a new logo. We're the cougars, but on the field is a big block Y and the same on the helmet. IT has annoyed me some of late for some reason, I guess because our new field is so nice, it would have been nice to not have the most antiquated looking emblem of the local teams.

So to note, new school, new stadium, new road, new coach, old logo.

I think I'll make me a shirt for the games, one with the emblem I like on it.

Can't wait til the first game, and I wonder if the food will improve at the new facility. Probably not, probably be the same hot dogs that have been turning on the rack for the last ten years, think I'll get two opening day.

Been watching old football games on the NFL channel on hulu, caught the 1993 NFC championship game between the Redskins and 48ers today, good game, Washington won it.

It's late and I'm a bit sleepy, glad I didn't make that run to the store. I need to work on these daily blogs a little earlier and they might make more sense and have a little more direction.

And hey, if you like the blog, share it with someone, put it on facebook, follow me, send me a note. Whatever you do, thanks for reading, have a good week and see you at church soon. God bless you all.

One more time, yes I did it.
Thinking it all behind
and fully out of mind
but I was mistaken
and found myself again taken
by the sin I've known the longest
the sin that knows me best
how do I escape it?

I've ran for many years.
hiding from my self
trying to find some help
and only in Christ
do I have any hope for life
but my sin follows me around
and grids my soul into the ground
I've shed many tears.

I am too weak
to over come it alone
but at times I start to believe it's finally gone
only to fins it once more
knocking at my door
and I follow
my head weeping like the willow
Release I seek.

I wish I could
just leave it behind
not having to worry that my life would rewind
and see it once again
this ugly, dreadful sin
that torments me all my days
I wish I could change my ways
I really wish I would.