Lingerdog's World

Lonely, I'm mister lonely,
and I don't know what to do,
cause ever since the day,
you walked out of my life,
my heads been spinning round and round
asking just one question now...
Why, did I settle for you,
and let you turn my heart into a lifeless lump of clay?
And I don't understand
how I let you walk all over me
let you underneath my skin
like an incurable disease
You tried to run my life you filthy
who're you to think you can do what you want
to whomever you like
and just walk away from the carnage
my head still spinning
but not because of what you did
I see you clearly for what you always were
It's spinning because I believed you for
so long, goodbye farewell.

I was in walmart this afternoon, like say 12:30 afternoon time, and I noticed what appeared to be urine in the floor on the diaper/cookie aisle, don't ask me why they put those things on the same aisle, I assume it's because they hope the children will beg for cookies while the parent is just trying to get some pampers, but anyway, it looked like urine, I went around it and continued my shopping.

I work form the back to the front and so I finally make it to the front of the store, aisle 2.

You know, I have joked in the past if there was a story of someone messing themselves, the one time a lady pooped in the floor at a local pharmacy, I just say clean up in aisle two.

Well, when you see what can only be a big ole' pile of crap in the floor at walmart, having been ran through with someones buggy at least once, leaving a little line from the buggy wheel in it, and then a dashed line for a few feet from every time the wheel rotated to the part that had made contact with said doo doo.

Well, the laughter stops.

Sure I thought of taking a pic for people of walmart, but then, if someone saw me taking a pic of crap, what are they going to think about me?

So I went to the service desk, and told the guy, ya'll need to get someone over to aisle two because it looks like someone took a crap over there.

Now, I was expecting disgust, which I got from him, but what I didn't expect was for him to act like it wasn't the first time this has happened, heck he didn't even seem surprised, just picked up the phone and called for maintenance to head for aisle two for a cleanup.

I wonder how many people rushed to see what was spilled only to be met with the horror, and I wonder what the maintenance guy did when he got there and saw what needed to be cleaned up.

Wonder if he thought, same crap, different day.

I've missed the past few days, really I should work on this during the day rather than at night when I should be getting ready for bed, but no, I wait until I am fighting sleep as I write half the time.

Been getting more hours at work these past two weeks, which is incredible, but it has thrown my schedule off a little, should be back to normal by next week though.

Went and heard my pastor preach at a tent revival this past Monday, it was good. Preached on Abraham and Sarah and how God gave them a child in their old age. And one of the things that jumped out at me was this in Genesis 18:14 "At the time appointed I will return unto thee."

It got me to thinking about my years out in the world, and the timing of my return to church.

When I was young I believed I was to be a preacher, don't know why, but I did. Years went by and I fell away, but God never abandoned me, and I know he has a purpose for me. When my life was turned upside down, before I set foot back into a church I said to an uncle that I felt like I was being pushed to do something, I just didn't know what.

I wonder now if it is the appointed time and God has called me back into service to fulfill his plans for me. Whether that be preaching or something else, I don't know, but I do know it's something. I am here in this time and place, having been brought through the fire, tested and made ready, to do what is required of me.

I'm looking forward to being used of God.

I thought about going and doing some grocery shopping tonight, like ten minutes ago. Started figuring my finances in my head, and how likely it would be that I would make myself a snack once I returned with said groceries.

Decided I needed to sleep before church in the morning, and I'll just grab me a biscuit then.

Football season is coming and I'm starting to get amped up for it. high school, college and pro, I'm ready!

I really wish my high school would have went with a new logo for the new school, same mascot, just a new logo. We're the cougars, but on the field is a big block Y and the same on the helmet. IT has annoyed me some of late for some reason, I guess because our new field is so nice, it would have been nice to not have the most antiquated looking emblem of the local teams.

So to note, new school, new stadium, new road, new coach, old logo.

I think I'll make me a shirt for the games, one with the emblem I like on it.

Can't wait til the first game, and I wonder if the food will improve at the new facility. Probably not, probably be the same hot dogs that have been turning on the rack for the last ten years, think I'll get two opening day.

Been watching old football games on the NFL channel on hulu, caught the 1993 NFC championship game between the Redskins and 48ers today, good game, Washington won it.

It's late and I'm a bit sleepy, glad I didn't make that run to the store. I need to work on these daily blogs a little earlier and they might make more sense and have a little more direction.

And hey, if you like the blog, share it with someone, put it on facebook, follow me, send me a note. Whatever you do, thanks for reading, have a good week and see you at church soon. God bless you all.

One more time, yes I did it.
Thinking it all behind
and fully out of mind
but I was mistaken
and found myself again taken
by the sin I've known the longest
the sin that knows me best
how do I escape it?

I've ran for many years.
hiding from my self
trying to find some help
and only in Christ
do I have any hope for life
but my sin follows me around
and grids my soul into the ground
I've shed many tears.

I am too weak
to over come it alone
but at times I start to believe it's finally gone
only to fins it once more
knocking at my door
and I follow
my head weeping like the willow
Release I seek.

I wish I could
just leave it behind
not having to worry that my life would rewind
and see it once again
this ugly, dreadful sin
that torments me all my days
I wish I could change my ways
I really wish I would.

I see you,
sad and sunken
lonely it seems,
I've been there.
You feel,
as though your friends
all abandoned you,
I've been there.
And a hungry night
grinds on
dinner an empty plate,
I've been there.
And no one hears
your cry,
or wipes away your tears,
I've been there.
Raging at the world,
for putting you here,
but wondering who to blame,
I've been there.
You and the computer,
again into the night,
wonder what they're doing,
I've been there.
Wishing for death,
that doesn't come quick,
because it's too busy for you,
I've been there.
Begging for change,
just to get some food,
enough to quiet your stomach,
I've been there.
Abandoned by family,
a miserable existence,
lonely every hour of the day,
I've been there.
No one really cares,
wouldn't miss me
if I left,
I've been there.
Ashamed,
of who you are,
what you are,
the life you lead,
the life you've lived,
things you've done,
things you didn't,
betrayals and heartache,
promises and heart break,
and when you add it all up,
you can't remember when you didn't hurt,
I can see it all written on your face,
so sad and sunken,
lonely it seems in the mirror,
I've been here before.

I was a mess, shaking, nearly out of control at times, numb, sick, confused and hurting.

I had discovered my soon to be ex-wife's affair. My brother took me to confront her. We separated that day, her unwilling to admit to the affair, and unwilling to work on the marriage. She chose the other man.

I got all the lines we all do, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", unhappy marriage, I didn't do x and so she did y, etc.

I lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep without the wife I had loved for the last five years next to me, sick thinking about where she was. Feeling like I had nowhere to turn.

Friends were looking out for me, trying to cheer me up, but they didn't get it, and soon it was just me, sitting home alone, trying to understand something, anything about what I was going through, and how it had gotten to the point it did.

I stayed sick for months, begged a few times, cried a lot, even tried the love dare.

I shake my head when I think about that last one now.

I didn't find SI that day, I found SI the next morning. And was met with a friendly group of people who understood, because they had been where I was.

They too had walked around like a zombie, unable to grasp why it had happened, fighting with the questions of what if I had done this or that.

They had been there, some were still there, and yet, even they were able to reach out a hand to me and pull me out of the depression that threatens to swallow so many of us whole on our d-days. To take everything that made us who we are, and squish it, and chew it up and spit us out full of bitterness and anger where our hearts had once been.

But those friends here, they don't let that happen, they grab the depression and beat the shit out of it with a 2x4, and occasionally whack us in the head with it (thanks B.) to remind us of our worth, and to not let this affair fallout destroy us, change us, that we should still be who we were, who we are, because the A was never about us.

Some of us dealt with broken cups, others with narcissist, knight in shinning armor, skank ho's and many other un-affectionate terms for the wandering spouses and affair partners we encountered.

We learned a new language, that only those who have been there can speak.

We learned to crawl and then stand and walk all over again, and eventually we stand with our head held high against the storms that come and a screw you in our voice to a world that thought it could mess with us.

And when we hit those low spots on the roller coaster, and the storm winds blow a little harder, an army of SI'ers, 28,000 strong steps up behind, beside and in front of us, and like William Wallace we scream and fight for our freedom, for our selves.

And here I am now, about to file my divorce, something I didn't want to do, never imagined I would be doing, but something I have to do, and something I am happy to do and put behind me so that I can continue to live my life and not be shackled to a marriage that ended for me a year ago, it just took me some time to accept that.

And the year has flown by, something I would have found hard to believe a year ago when days seemed to take weeks to pass.

I thought the divorce when I got to it would be much harder for me, and even though I don't like the taste, it is the medicine I need right now, to continue getting better.

And I am happy about my life, very happy.

I did change with the infidelity, but the terribleness of infidelity, was turned for good.

I was a shy, homebody who didn't get out and socialize very much, didn't like new things.

Now I want to try things I have never done, I'm on two softball teams, I have learned to open myself up to people, and I'm more comfortable just being me now, and not pretending to be someone else until after I get to know people.

I am unashamed of who I am, I am proud of who I am.

And if I could find one, I would have a bumper sticker on my car that says: "I kicked infidelity's butt!"

Thanks to everyone that helped me get here, helped me survive, helped me heal.