Lingerdog's World

I thought about going and doing some grocery shopping tonight, like ten minutes ago. Started figuring my finances in my head, and how likely it would be that I would make myself a snack once I returned with said groceries.

Decided I needed to sleep before church in the morning, and I'll just grab me a biscuit then.

Football season is coming and I'm starting to get amped up for it. high school, college and pro, I'm ready!

I really wish my high school would have went with a new logo for the new school, same mascot, just a new logo. We're the cougars, but on the field is a big block Y and the same on the helmet. IT has annoyed me some of late for some reason, I guess because our new field is so nice, it would have been nice to not have the most antiquated looking emblem of the local teams.

So to note, new school, new stadium, new road, new coach, old logo.

I think I'll make me a shirt for the games, one with the emblem I like on it.

Can't wait til the first game, and I wonder if the food will improve at the new facility. Probably not, probably be the same hot dogs that have been turning on the rack for the last ten years, think I'll get two opening day.

Been watching old football games on the NFL channel on hulu, caught the 1993 NFC championship game between the Redskins and 48ers today, good game, Washington won it.

It's late and I'm a bit sleepy, glad I didn't make that run to the store. I need to work on these daily blogs a little earlier and they might make more sense and have a little more direction.

And hey, if you like the blog, share it with someone, put it on facebook, follow me, send me a note. Whatever you do, thanks for reading, have a good week and see you at church soon. God bless you all.

One more time, yes I did it.
Thinking it all behind
and fully out of mind
but I was mistaken
and found myself again taken
by the sin I've known the longest
the sin that knows me best
how do I escape it?

I've ran for many years.
hiding from my self
trying to find some help
and only in Christ
do I have any hope for life
but my sin follows me around
and grids my soul into the ground
I've shed many tears.

I am too weak
to over come it alone
but at times I start to believe it's finally gone
only to fins it once more
knocking at my door
and I follow
my head weeping like the willow
Release I seek.

I wish I could
just leave it behind
not having to worry that my life would rewind
and see it once again
this ugly, dreadful sin
that torments me all my days
I wish I could change my ways
I really wish I would.

I see you,
sad and sunken
lonely it seems,
I've been there.
You feel,
as though your friends
all abandoned you,
I've been there.
And a hungry night
grinds on
dinner an empty plate,
I've been there.
And no one hears
your cry,
or wipes away your tears,
I've been there.
Raging at the world,
for putting you here,
but wondering who to blame,
I've been there.
You and the computer,
again into the night,
wonder what they're doing,
I've been there.
Wishing for death,
that doesn't come quick,
because it's too busy for you,
I've been there.
Begging for change,
just to get some food,
enough to quiet your stomach,
I've been there.
Abandoned by family,
a miserable existence,
lonely every hour of the day,
I've been there.
No one really cares,
wouldn't miss me
if I left,
I've been there.
Ashamed,
of who you are,
what you are,
the life you lead,
the life you've lived,
things you've done,
things you didn't,
betrayals and heartache,
promises and heart break,
and when you add it all up,
you can't remember when you didn't hurt,
I can see it all written on your face,
so sad and sunken,
lonely it seems in the mirror,
I've been here before.

I was a mess, shaking, nearly out of control at times, numb, sick, confused and hurting.

I had discovered my soon to be ex-wife's affair. My brother took me to confront her. We separated that day, her unwilling to admit to the affair, and unwilling to work on the marriage. She chose the other man.

I got all the lines we all do, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", unhappy marriage, I didn't do x and so she did y, etc.

I lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep without the wife I had loved for the last five years next to me, sick thinking about where she was. Feeling like I had nowhere to turn.

Friends were looking out for me, trying to cheer me up, but they didn't get it, and soon it was just me, sitting home alone, trying to understand something, anything about what I was going through, and how it had gotten to the point it did.

I stayed sick for months, begged a few times, cried a lot, even tried the love dare.

I shake my head when I think about that last one now.

I didn't find SI that day, I found SI the next morning. And was met with a friendly group of people who understood, because they had been where I was.

They too had walked around like a zombie, unable to grasp why it had happened, fighting with the questions of what if I had done this or that.

They had been there, some were still there, and yet, even they were able to reach out a hand to me and pull me out of the depression that threatens to swallow so many of us whole on our d-days. To take everything that made us who we are, and squish it, and chew it up and spit us out full of bitterness and anger where our hearts had once been.

But those friends here, they don't let that happen, they grab the depression and beat the shit out of it with a 2x4, and occasionally whack us in the head with it (thanks B.) to remind us of our worth, and to not let this affair fallout destroy us, change us, that we should still be who we were, who we are, because the A was never about us.

Some of us dealt with broken cups, others with narcissist, knight in shinning armor, skank ho's and many other un-affectionate terms for the wandering spouses and affair partners we encountered.

We learned a new language, that only those who have been there can speak.

We learned to crawl and then stand and walk all over again, and eventually we stand with our head held high against the storms that come and a screw you in our voice to a world that thought it could mess with us.

And when we hit those low spots on the roller coaster, and the storm winds blow a little harder, an army of SI'ers, 28,000 strong steps up behind, beside and in front of us, and like William Wallace we scream and fight for our freedom, for our selves.

And here I am now, about to file my divorce, something I didn't want to do, never imagined I would be doing, but something I have to do, and something I am happy to do and put behind me so that I can continue to live my life and not be shackled to a marriage that ended for me a year ago, it just took me some time to accept that.

And the year has flown by, something I would have found hard to believe a year ago when days seemed to take weeks to pass.

I thought the divorce when I got to it would be much harder for me, and even though I don't like the taste, it is the medicine I need right now, to continue getting better.

And I am happy about my life, very happy.

I did change with the infidelity, but the terribleness of infidelity, was turned for good.

I was a shy, homebody who didn't get out and socialize very much, didn't like new things.

Now I want to try things I have never done, I'm on two softball teams, I have learned to open myself up to people, and I'm more comfortable just being me now, and not pretending to be someone else until after I get to know people.

I am unashamed of who I am, I am proud of who I am.

And if I could find one, I would have a bumper sticker on my car that says: "I kicked infidelity's butt!"

Thanks to everyone that helped me get here, helped me survive, helped me heal.

I see all this hurt in the world, people hurting their husbands, wives, children, parents, friends. And for what, do they hurt these people that they claim to love, usually for their own selfish desires, masked in the clothing of modern self righteousness. Because Oprah or Dr. Phil or some book or half off his rocker quack told them that their happiness was the most important thing in the world, and of course, you want to believe that, because we are selfish creatures, and we are self centered, and to hell with anyone who would stand in the way of the collective of MY HAPPINESS.

When here is the dirty little secret, others can't influence your happiness, it comes from within you, they may affect your mood, but your happiness, well that's all up to you. Ever wonder how someone that has never been able to see can be happy, or what about the poor and the destitute that find happiness in their own life. What about people that have lost every single thing they thought was important to them, and yet, are still happy?

I see the post about how this person or that person is standing up for their happiness and screw anyone that doesn't like it because they will just be written out of their life. If that person is so easily written off, why were they in your life to start with?

When are we going to learn, that our own emotional baggage, cast onto others, is not going to get rid of the baggage, it's ours, and it's going to come back and back and back until we sit alone with it in that cold dark empty space, and we finally find the courage to turn on the light and face that emptiness inside ourselves and we can then ask, why have I been searching for something to fill myself, why did I think I needed others opinions of me to be high, before I could be happy.

Why did I try to push away anyone who came into my life who wanted to help me find my way from this present darkness we are all in. Why didn't I allow myself to be free, and accept myself for who I am, without all the anger, and drama this world says we should show when declaring to the world that I am me, hear me, and step on me no more. An attitude that pushes away those we may have been closest to, and drives a wedge between the love that holds us all fast together.

Quit hurting one another, look at those you love, see them, look them in the eyes when there is no one around and no distractions, no tv, no radio, nothing but the two of you and God, and tell them how you feel about them, without holding back, without fear without shame, tell them you love them, tell them what they mean to you. Then show them, not for them, but for you, because when we don't show someone we love them, sometimes, we start to forget we love them. Hold on to that moment in their eyes, because a day will come, when those eyes are gone, and you will wish, you had told them how you felt, before they were gone.

You won't wish you had belittled them, or argued with them, or passive aggressively acted like nothing was wrong when they hurt your feelings because you pride was too great to admit that they had hurt you only to blow up at them for something unrelated. Tell them how you feel. Hold on to every moment you have with them. Don't let go.

This started as a facebook status update, that kind of got out of control.

This thought occurred to me at work a few days ago. I was working...yep actually working for a change and not day dreaming about softball, when I hear blood curdling screaming coming form the kitchen.

I'm thinking horrible things, a gunman has come in, someone has just collapsed of a heart attack, her hand fell off. I was not expecting what had happened, which was, she moved some paper towels and there was a roach underneath.

And I get it, you don't like roaches, so squish the little bugger, you don't need to scream for twenty seconds straight and scare the office half to death.

So I started wondering, why do we hate roaches so much? When I think about it from a logical point of view the first things I examine are the fact that roaches are bugs, just like moths and beetles and any other number of bugs, that we don't freak out about, even when we see them in a house.

Then there are the facts of roaches "Because roaches eat garbage and waste, they can spread bacteria like Salmonella and Shigella from place to place. As they walk, they leave trails of fecal matter, which they use to find their way around. On top of being gross, these trails can cause stains and odors. The proteins in cockroach saliva and waste can also cause allergies and aggravate asthma."

But how many people actually know that, and don't just hate them because they always have.

"There are about 4,000 species of cockroach, of which 30 species are associated with human habitations and about four species are well known as pests."

So is it just the anecdotal fear of mass infestation that causes the hate, and brings about the freak out at the site, giving the roach discoverer visions of a scene from Joe's Apartment?

"People also hate roaches because they can be extremely difficult to get rid of. One reason is because of their natural behavior. They reproduce quickly and are hard to kill. Since they're nocturnal, many people don't notice their presence until there are so many that they've run out of places to hide."

So is this it? Is that the reason the freak out happens? Or is there some deep seated fear in us, some generational knowledge passed on through our DNA that tells us that cockroaches are our enemy and plan to take over the world at the first opportunity?

I leave you with this thought, to me, they are just another insect, and while a home infestation definitely not something to take lightly, also not the end of the world.

"While Blatella germanica and a few others make nuisances of themselves, most species of cockroach generally mind their own business. Many cockroaches live in warm, tropical areas and feed on decaying wood and leaves. They help break down this organic debris; in the process, they add nutrients to the soil through their waste. They're also a food source for small reptiles and mammals. In other words, in spite of their bad reputation, cockroaches are ­an important part of many ecosystems. "

A friend of mine from childhood died Friday, he was young, well by my standards young anyway. Twenty Eight is too young to go, but it happens everyday, some expected after a long battle with illness, others a tragic accident that leaves those who remember, and those who love, in shock and dismay, that a rock in their world, is gone into eternity.
I believe he went to heaven, we went to church together, but honestly I don't know, I never took the time to talk to him about his faith or salvation, sadly a missed opportunity.
His name was John Dale "Johnny" King Jr. A story about him in the local paper tells of his life after he left York. And a memorial page for him can be found here. There too are stories shared about Johnny.
And sometimes we face our grief and remembrance alone, because in a world so big, sometimes we think that we are the only people that knew a person. But through sites like facebook, sometimes we learn that a person we knew, also knew other people we knew.
You sometimes learn that the world is a lot smaller place than you had thought, and that we are connected by usually invisible strings that tie us to each other. At a time like this though, we get to see some of those strings, as the people who knew this person speak their condolences for the world to hear, so that this persons death does not pass silently, un-noticed, because in some way, this person made an impact in another persons life.
I see people I know, speaking about Johnny, and I wonder, how did you know him, and how did we never learn that we had a mutual friend.
In a day or two for some of us, and maybe in weeks or months for others, we will go back to our lives, and Johnny will be but a memory to be fondly spoken of at gatherings of mutual friends.
But for others, their lives are forever changed, family, wives and children, they will have this heavy on their hearts for some time, and it is they, that most need to hear the words of consolation and remembrance, to hear that their loved one, is remembered, that their passing is not un-noticed, and that they did make a difference in someones life.