Lingerdog's World

I'm James Lingerfelt and I'm a Christian. Called to preach the Gospel of Christ to my neighbors.

Look to the story of the good Samaritan. The Samaritan was the beaten and left for dead man's neighbor because he had what the man needed. Just like we are neighbors to anyone who is dying and in need of the help we carry. And I mean the Gospel. We carry the thing that can give them life, can heal their wounds, can set them free, can give them hope and life everlasting.

I am a man that struggles just like any other man.

I have heartache and pain, joy and love.

I have people I like a lot, and others I could do without, but I have to love them just the same.

I have been a coward, not because of the things I won't do, but because of the things I chose to do. I chose to take the easy way, to join in making fun of others. I chose to drive past people in need of assistance. I chose not to tell a stranger about Jesus when given an opportunity. I chose to drop out of church for too many years. I chose to be a bad husband. I chose to live a life I can't look back at and be proud of.

I was a coward.

I don't have to be any more. I can open my heart to all the things the Lord has for me and accept that I was made for a purpose, that I am made the way I am to be placed in a certain place at a certain time to do a specific task.

I can accept that I am where I am now. I can accept that I am learning from this time things that God will use to carry me through future days.

He prepares me now because He loves me and wants me to be prepared not because He wants me to hurt or struggle with fear or loneliness.

He is an awesome God I serve. I joke that I am awesome a lot, I am made in God's image, any awesomeness you see in me is just a reflection of the awesomeness of God.

I am James Lingerfelt, a Christian, saved by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ who gave his life freely upon the cross after living a sinless life. That same Jesus that was then buried and rose again on the third day and appeared to many before returning to Heaven.

Shattered dreams like shattered glass litter the hallway of my heart
and I bleed from the cuts your words inflict
I know I said I'd never hurt again
but those were lies.
So I fall on my face and my tears rain down like a hurricane
and you won't know about my lonesome call
perched upon your ivory tower
too far away to see.
And I scream as loud as I can letting loose my pride
held in the expanse of my mind
and shamefaced I stand
letting myself go.
Into the darkness, into the abyss, silently I slip
forgetting all I've known
burying my dreams
with this sack of bones.
When it hurts too much to go on breathing
when it hurts too much to smile
I'll trust the cold ground
before your cold heart again.
It's been the same for far too long
there's a lion caged in my heart
roaring for release
straining at the chains.
These shattered dreams await a broken spirit
that knows no peace
no calm
no love.
Like a banshee scream ripping through my heart
comes the crescendo of pain
and my heart that beats no more
is in your hands.
And you just look at me and smile
as you rip it from my chest
because you don't care
the grave in your wake.
A broken life
a broken heart
a broken man
a broken dream.
I sit and cry out
my body shaken by my grief
as you walk away
and I gasp for life.
Too many times
too many times
too many times
its been this way.
The dreams that are shattered
the heart that is broken
and all I do is give up
and not even try.
Thunder shakes the room as I stand from my seat
to take my place in the hall of warriors
putting on my armor, gathering my shield
for the next time.
Walls I build around me
defenses for my heart
to keep them out
that could hurt me.
I build my prison walls thinking they protect me
never seeing that they keep others out
at the expense of my experience
and I throw away the key.
No one gets in this time
I'll live on my island and no one can hurt me
except myself and your memory.

Not Anymore
Not that person you once were anymore,
and it frightens me.
See you've made it through that swinging door,
and stand for all to see.
Unashamed in your standing,
unabashed in your way.
Proud and high,
facing each day.

A Decision
Feelings I have longed for
since I can remember
but feelings I can't share
not a peep into her ear.
It's more than she is ready for
and though it breaks my heart
I have to let her go her way
for that is where we start.
There can be no more
than what we have now
and honor her wishes I must
that is my solemn vow.
She came to me upon a dream
and melted my heart of stone
and left me lonely in the morn
once realized I the dream was gone.
How can a man make known
his feelings in the matter
without appearing weak
and stirring up a clatter.
I know he thinks
it's no big deal
but in his heart
he believes it's real.
So much to lose
if he should speak
and frightened man laments
why am I so weak?
No one wants a man
who is so timid
afraid to speak what he wants
while keeping the truth hid.
He's been burnt before
and knows she has been too
and struggle with this he must
what should a brave man do?
Overstepping boundaries
stated time and time
he cannot lose her now
he cannot cross that line.
So he tries to decide
which path to take
hold his silence, or speak up
which one should he make.

Tonight Pastor Matt was talking about holding on to sin and there was this idea, How do you ever get rid of sin when you are holding onto it with both hands.

I got to thinking, sin isn't the only thing we hold on to in life while trying to overcome that very thing.

For some it's a hurt, a broken heart, a former significant other, a slight, a good time in your life.

We can get so caught up in holding on to that part of the past that we stop moving forward, stop healing, stop becoming who we are meant to be.

We miss out on friendships, fellowship, happiness and just good things in our life because we are focused on that thing. We are holding on to it because how dare it hurt you like that. How dare you break my heart. How dare you leave me.

We can't move beyond that moment into acceptance of what happened. We are still living in that moment.

I think especially when we are hurt we just want someone to recognize that, to tell us, "I've been there too, I feel your pain."

So we lash out at the unfairness of it. Why should I accept what happened because it was so unfair.

But we miss out on so much. It took me a while to get this, I can look back and see when I did it, but I don't think I really got it until now, how much stuff I missed because even when I said I wasn't, I was still living in that moment rather than accepting that it happened and healing.

See that's what you get to do when you accept it, you get to heal. When you can't accept it the band aid keeps getting ripped off anew. You hold friends accountable for something they didn't do because you haven't allowed yourself to heal.

Acceptance doesn't mean that you are insignificant, or that what happened wasn't wrong, it just means you have decided that that moment will no longer rule your life. You can make decisions free of the burden of the past, without fear.

You can live a fearless life. You can accept your past and accept that the future is now yours.

You can live your life.

The relic sits high upon the shelf
untouchable to tiny hands
shaped by a master craftsman
many years ago
a little man sitting on a stool
a corncob pipe puffing smoke
a glint in his eye
frozen there in time
the paint faded now
but still fresh in her eyes
even though he's gone now
these ten years
it was their first date
she thought it was cute
he got it for her
cost him what he had on him
they were poor
weren't supposed to make it
but against the odds
they lived happily
until the day
like a fast approaching storm
the sickness came
and took him away
and now it sits there
a reminder she doesn't really need
but one she cherishes
because it's a memory of him
she takes it down
hands it to me
in my small hands it seems huge
and she tell me about him
how he was a man
so much bigger than life
how his hands built this house
and how he had loved his family
she started to cry
her face a mask of misery
but also of joy
as she remembered
I held the figurine back out to her
with trembling hands she took it
she put it back in its place
then smiling took me in her lap
that was him she whispered
then took a photo from the shelf
your grandfather
how I wish he could have seen you

On the way home from church this evening I saw people sitting on a grave, probably talking about the person buried there.

I lost a friend this week named Ron. He was a friend to me but a great friend to my brother. He was one of those bigger than life people that come along every so often. Ron was always smiling, and it's shocking that he is gone so soon. I wish I had said more the last time I talked to him. I made a mix cd once, he wanted a copy because he liked the songs on it. We played cards, and it seemed like we were always facing each other down across the table. I remember one of the first times I played, I didn't know how to play but picked the game up quickly. I played without fear. He said he liked how I played. He'll be missed.

I saw an overweight woman in a motorized wheelchair with a baby in her arms.

I drove past run down houses.

I saw an alcoholic father who is almost the man he used to be, on the days he doesn't drink.

Broken people are everywhere. And I can't fault others for this because I used to do it to, just drive past them without a thought given to their condition or what struggles they might face in life.

There are people out there dealing with loss, unemployment, fear, self loathing, regret, pain both physical, mental and emotional. Largely they are ignored.

But there was this man named Jesus 2000 years ago that saw the broken people, he came so they could be healed. We as Christians have largely forgotten that was what Christ came for, we have started to believe He was here to judge. Read what He did though, read what was written about Him before He came and after He left.

He came to set captives free.

That's why I knock on doors that holds who knows what behind them, because though their life might not change that much after salvation, they will be free to enjoy the fruits of the spirit. Though the world might try to bind them, they are free.

They don't have to be broken.

I saw one last broken person tonight.

His face is plain, hard to read as I look at him. His hair is neither long nor short, but it needs to be longer or shorter because right now it doesn't look particularly well. He is quick with a smile, but bashful with it at times. He has struggled with some things in his life he never thought he would have to, but he says he's getting through them with God. He has friends, a few are close and one new one he isn't always sure how to react to. He told a friend a lie he hasn't corrected yet because he was ashamed of what they might think of him. He has lived his life worried about what others thought of him even though he claims he doesn't care. He thinks he doesn't look good enough. Good enough for what? To date really. He obsesses sometimes about what it would take to look like what women want a man to look like, because in his head for all too long he has been convinced that women want A., B. or C. and all his life he's been a X. He wonders why things went the way they did with his wife, he wonders if he's so smart why he didn't see it coming. He has so many insecurities he wonders what people would think if they knew every last one of them. He wonders sometimes if the things he writes make him seem weird. I looked at this broken man who has been letting God heal him and I smile, he smiles back. I wave and he waves back. I stare into the eyes before me in the mirror and say, it's okay to let the brokenness go.

A friend posted this song to my facebook and it just smacks me in the face with what I'm talking about, and how God sees us.

Man it's been a while.

I've been changing more than I knew. Thought things were one way when they were another, but the outcome didn't crush me. A year and a half ago I would have probably felt like the world was caving in around me, apparently I've become stronger through Christ who strengtheneth me than I knew.

And because I wasn't crushed, good things came out of it. I made a new friend, well I didn't make the friend but rather met the friend.

I've been trying to convince her I'm weird but either it isn't working or she is too nice to tell me I'm weird.

It's been a great week. A great month.

A month ago I had never been door to door witnessing and my friend Michael invited me to go with him, so we went and put tracts on cars. We did the same the next week, and then we made ourselves go door to door the next. And we had to push ourselves, or we might have backed out. This week we hope to have twenty men leaving from the church to do this. Some say twenty is a lot, I say god could bring us 20,000 if we let him work, in our hearts, in our minds and we get a passion for reaching the lost.

I can't speak for Michael, but I know how my heart has been changed by this, how eager I am to get out there and tell more people about Jesus Christ and what He has done in my life.

And just now I realize a thought that has been circling since it was brought up in conversation earlier. If I hadn't been so anxious and afraid of things my whole life, God couldn't show how fearless I am now.

I'm no longer afraid to witness, no longer afraid to have a girl who's just a friend (note to self, probably should have done that years ago), no longer afraid of rejection, and I feared that bad boy like a plague.

In other words, I have a clearer picture of who I am now. I've been in a cocoon of my own making for the most part and I'm finally braving the outside world. Thank you God for the strength to become the man you would have me to be. To not be afraid of the unknown, to not over think everything, thank you for giving me the ability to let go, and let you reign in my life.

I don't think I've ever been happier in my life.

And now a little Fireflight for your listening pleasure.