Lingerdog's World

Tonight Pastor Matt was talking about holding on to sin and there was this idea, How do you ever get rid of sin when you are holding onto it with both hands.

I got to thinking, sin isn't the only thing we hold on to in life while trying to overcome that very thing.

For some it's a hurt, a broken heart, a former significant other, a slight, a good time in your life.

We can get so caught up in holding on to that part of the past that we stop moving forward, stop healing, stop becoming who we are meant to be.

We miss out on friendships, fellowship, happiness and just good things in our life because we are focused on that thing. We are holding on to it because how dare it hurt you like that. How dare you break my heart. How dare you leave me.

We can't move beyond that moment into acceptance of what happened. We are still living in that moment.

I think especially when we are hurt we just want someone to recognize that, to tell us, "I've been there too, I feel your pain."

So we lash out at the unfairness of it. Why should I accept what happened because it was so unfair.

But we miss out on so much. It took me a while to get this, I can look back and see when I did it, but I don't think I really got it until now, how much stuff I missed because even when I said I wasn't, I was still living in that moment rather than accepting that it happened and healing.

See that's what you get to do when you accept it, you get to heal. When you can't accept it the band aid keeps getting ripped off anew. You hold friends accountable for something they didn't do because you haven't allowed yourself to heal.

Acceptance doesn't mean that you are insignificant, or that what happened wasn't wrong, it just means you have decided that that moment will no longer rule your life. You can make decisions free of the burden of the past, without fear.

You can live a fearless life. You can accept your past and accept that the future is now yours.

You can live your life.

The relic sits high upon the shelf
untouchable to tiny hands
shaped by a master craftsman
many years ago
a little man sitting on a stool
a corncob pipe puffing smoke
a glint in his eye
frozen there in time
the paint faded now
but still fresh in her eyes
even though he's gone now
these ten years
it was their first date
she thought it was cute
he got it for her
cost him what he had on him
they were poor
weren't supposed to make it
but against the odds
they lived happily
until the day
like a fast approaching storm
the sickness came
and took him away
and now it sits there
a reminder she doesn't really need
but one she cherishes
because it's a memory of him
she takes it down
hands it to me
in my small hands it seems huge
and she tell me about him
how he was a man
so much bigger than life
how his hands built this house
and how he had loved his family
she started to cry
her face a mask of misery
but also of joy
as she remembered
I held the figurine back out to her
with trembling hands she took it
she put it back in its place
then smiling took me in her lap
that was him she whispered
then took a photo from the shelf
your grandfather
how I wish he could have seen you

On the way home from church this evening I saw people sitting on a grave, probably talking about the person buried there.

I lost a friend this week named Ron. He was a friend to me but a great friend to my brother. He was one of those bigger than life people that come along every so often. Ron was always smiling, and it's shocking that he is gone so soon. I wish I had said more the last time I talked to him. I made a mix cd once, he wanted a copy because he liked the songs on it. We played cards, and it seemed like we were always facing each other down across the table. I remember one of the first times I played, I didn't know how to play but picked the game up quickly. I played without fear. He said he liked how I played. He'll be missed.

I saw an overweight woman in a motorized wheelchair with a baby in her arms.

I drove past run down houses.

I saw an alcoholic father who is almost the man he used to be, on the days he doesn't drink.

Broken people are everywhere. And I can't fault others for this because I used to do it to, just drive past them without a thought given to their condition or what struggles they might face in life.

There are people out there dealing with loss, unemployment, fear, self loathing, regret, pain both physical, mental and emotional. Largely they are ignored.

But there was this man named Jesus 2000 years ago that saw the broken people, he came so they could be healed. We as Christians have largely forgotten that was what Christ came for, we have started to believe He was here to judge. Read what He did though, read what was written about Him before He came and after He left.

He came to set captives free.

That's why I knock on doors that holds who knows what behind them, because though their life might not change that much after salvation, they will be free to enjoy the fruits of the spirit. Though the world might try to bind them, they are free.

They don't have to be broken.

I saw one last broken person tonight.

His face is plain, hard to read as I look at him. His hair is neither long nor short, but it needs to be longer or shorter because right now it doesn't look particularly well. He is quick with a smile, but bashful with it at times. He has struggled with some things in his life he never thought he would have to, but he says he's getting through them with God. He has friends, a few are close and one new one he isn't always sure how to react to. He told a friend a lie he hasn't corrected yet because he was ashamed of what they might think of him. He has lived his life worried about what others thought of him even though he claims he doesn't care. He thinks he doesn't look good enough. Good enough for what? To date really. He obsesses sometimes about what it would take to look like what women want a man to look like, because in his head for all too long he has been convinced that women want A., B. or C. and all his life he's been a X. He wonders why things went the way they did with his wife, he wonders if he's so smart why he didn't see it coming. He has so many insecurities he wonders what people would think if they knew every last one of them. He wonders sometimes if the things he writes make him seem weird. I looked at this broken man who has been letting God heal him and I smile, he smiles back. I wave and he waves back. I stare into the eyes before me in the mirror and say, it's okay to let the brokenness go.

A friend posted this song to my facebook and it just smacks me in the face with what I'm talking about, and how God sees us.

Man it's been a while.

I've been changing more than I knew. Thought things were one way when they were another, but the outcome didn't crush me. A year and a half ago I would have probably felt like the world was caving in around me, apparently I've become stronger through Christ who strengtheneth me than I knew.

And because I wasn't crushed, good things came out of it. I made a new friend, well I didn't make the friend but rather met the friend.

I've been trying to convince her I'm weird but either it isn't working or she is too nice to tell me I'm weird.

It's been a great week. A great month.

A month ago I had never been door to door witnessing and my friend Michael invited me to go with him, so we went and put tracts on cars. We did the same the next week, and then we made ourselves go door to door the next. And we had to push ourselves, or we might have backed out. This week we hope to have twenty men leaving from the church to do this. Some say twenty is a lot, I say god could bring us 20,000 if we let him work, in our hearts, in our minds and we get a passion for reaching the lost.

I can't speak for Michael, but I know how my heart has been changed by this, how eager I am to get out there and tell more people about Jesus Christ and what He has done in my life.

And just now I realize a thought that has been circling since it was brought up in conversation earlier. If I hadn't been so anxious and afraid of things my whole life, God couldn't show how fearless I am now.

I'm no longer afraid to witness, no longer afraid to have a girl who's just a friend (note to self, probably should have done that years ago), no longer afraid of rejection, and I feared that bad boy like a plague.

In other words, I have a clearer picture of who I am now. I've been in a cocoon of my own making for the most part and I'm finally braving the outside world. Thank you God for the strength to become the man you would have me to be. To not be afraid of the unknown, to not over think everything, thank you for giving me the ability to let go, and let you reign in my life.

I don't think I've ever been happier in my life.

And now a little Fireflight for your listening pleasure.