Lingerdog's World

I was a mess, shaking, nearly out of control at times, numb, sick, confused and hurting.

I had discovered my soon to be ex-wife's affair. My brother took me to confront her. We separated that day, her unwilling to admit to the affair, and unwilling to work on the marriage. She chose the other man.

I got all the lines we all do, "I love you but I'm not in love with you", unhappy marriage, I didn't do x and so she did y, etc.

I lay awake in bed at night, unable to sleep without the wife I had loved for the last five years next to me, sick thinking about where she was. Feeling like I had nowhere to turn.

Friends were looking out for me, trying to cheer me up, but they didn't get it, and soon it was just me, sitting home alone, trying to understand something, anything about what I was going through, and how it had gotten to the point it did.

I stayed sick for months, begged a few times, cried a lot, even tried the love dare.

I shake my head when I think about that last one now.

I didn't find SI that day, I found SI the next morning. And was met with a friendly group of people who understood, because they had been where I was.

They too had walked around like a zombie, unable to grasp why it had happened, fighting with the questions of what if I had done this or that.

They had been there, some were still there, and yet, even they were able to reach out a hand to me and pull me out of the depression that threatens to swallow so many of us whole on our d-days. To take everything that made us who we are, and squish it, and chew it up and spit us out full of bitterness and anger where our hearts had once been.

But those friends here, they don't let that happen, they grab the depression and beat the shit out of it with a 2x4, and occasionally whack us in the head with it (thanks B.) to remind us of our worth, and to not let this affair fallout destroy us, change us, that we should still be who we were, who we are, because the A was never about us.

Some of us dealt with broken cups, others with narcissist, knight in shinning armor, skank ho's and many other un-affectionate terms for the wandering spouses and affair partners we encountered.

We learned a new language, that only those who have been there can speak.

We learned to crawl and then stand and walk all over again, and eventually we stand with our head held high against the storms that come and a screw you in our voice to a world that thought it could mess with us.

And when we hit those low spots on the roller coaster, and the storm winds blow a little harder, an army of SI'ers, 28,000 strong steps up behind, beside and in front of us, and like William Wallace we scream and fight for our freedom, for our selves.

And here I am now, about to file my divorce, something I didn't want to do, never imagined I would be doing, but something I have to do, and something I am happy to do and put behind me so that I can continue to live my life and not be shackled to a marriage that ended for me a year ago, it just took me some time to accept that.

And the year has flown by, something I would have found hard to believe a year ago when days seemed to take weeks to pass.

I thought the divorce when I got to it would be much harder for me, and even though I don't like the taste, it is the medicine I need right now, to continue getting better.

And I am happy about my life, very happy.

I did change with the infidelity, but the terribleness of infidelity, was turned for good.

I was a shy, homebody who didn't get out and socialize very much, didn't like new things.

Now I want to try things I have never done, I'm on two softball teams, I have learned to open myself up to people, and I'm more comfortable just being me now, and not pretending to be someone else until after I get to know people.

I am unashamed of who I am, I am proud of who I am.

And if I could find one, I would have a bumper sticker on my car that says: "I kicked infidelity's butt!"

Thanks to everyone that helped me get here, helped me survive, helped me heal.