Lingerdog's World

My blog focusing mostly on my creative writing endeavors, but also with updates on my life and how I am serving God.

Such a good weekend, but man I just don't know where I stand anymore. I need to man up.

Leaving mcdonalds after church there was a man sitting there and I knew I needed to talk to him, but I kept walking, I was supposed to talk to him about salvation but I was a coward.

And at the same time I did something so stupid, putting myself out there more than I ever have to get shot down. I used to have some bad behavior but it was out of arrogance, today I knew better, knew I was pushing where I shouldn't, knew I was going to go to far, and then I did. And I should apologize, but I haven't, I need to man up.

Everything good from this weekend was erased in a few seconds of the old me responding.

I hate being lonely, but I don't date. I have felt that when God knew I was ready that I would know who she was, but I'm finding that maybe I was wrong and either she isn't coming, or it's more work than I thought it would be. Should I start dating? There are other fish in the sea as they say, and I have been putting my eggs in one basket. People tell me I should move on, doesn't matter how I great I tell them she is. They tell me I need to man up.

I'm thinking about her now though, even though it hurts, I can;t get her off my mind, and that's a problem when you feel more for a person than they do for you. It's a recipe for disaster, for heartache, and yet I keep on, to caught up in my feelings for her to let go, to caught up in my sureness of what we can be together. I need to let go. I need to man up.

How do you do that though, how do you abandon someone you feel so strongly for, just because the relationship isn't what you wanted? How do you walk away from someone you call a friend? I can't, and walking away isn't being a man.

It's what I would have done. The hurt would have been so much at just the thought that I would have crossed the bridge, burnt it down and scattered the ashes.

But even though it hurts now, it's worth it if I get to see her smile one more time. And even more so when I know I put the smile on her face.

What's the difference between being available, and being a doormat? I can't answer that, I don't feel like a doormat though.

Man up! Serve God. Got an offer to preach today, ready to man up. Ready to preach the word.

I still don't understand it though, how can I feel this much for her? How can I miss a friend like this? Why do I have these feelings? How do I get rid of them if nothing is ever going to happen?

Part of me schemes, thinking maybe if you do this or that she'll see you in a different light, but the realist in me knows, she'll never have feelings for you. She's in love with someone else and as long as that's the case she'll never be able to give you a chance.

Does that mean she might miss out on something special, yes. But it means I miss out on that something special too.

It doesn't hurt any less to find out slow or fast that I'm playing for second no matter what.

It doesn't hurt any less to know that no matter how much fun, how much we click, how much we can talk, how close we grow that she will always see him first as she waits for him, like you wait for her.

Man up! Either go for it all or go home, but quit playing it safe. You can tell her how you feel, if it doesn't affect her then know it isn't going to happen. Because let's face it, if it was going to happen, it would.

So accept the loneliness of your life. Accept that for you, this may be all there is. Accept that for you she's not going to come around. Man up.

I'm James Lingerfelt and I'm a Christian. Called to preach the Gospel of Christ to my neighbors.

Look to the story of the good Samaritan. The Samaritan was the beaten and left for dead man's neighbor because he had what the man needed. Just like we are neighbors to anyone who is dying and in need of the help we carry. And I mean the Gospel. We carry the thing that can give them life, can heal their wounds, can set them free, can give them hope and life everlasting.

I am a man that struggles just like any other man.

I have heartache and pain, joy and love.

I have people I like a lot, and others I could do without, but I have to love them just the same.

I have been a coward, not because of the things I won't do, but because of the things I chose to do. I chose to take the easy way, to join in making fun of others. I chose to drive past people in need of assistance. I chose not to tell a stranger about Jesus when given an opportunity. I chose to drop out of church for too many years. I chose to be a bad husband. I chose to live a life I can't look back at and be proud of.

I was a coward.

I don't have to be any more. I can open my heart to all the things the Lord has for me and accept that I was made for a purpose, that I am made the way I am to be placed in a certain place at a certain time to do a specific task.

I can accept that I am where I am now. I can accept that I am learning from this time things that God will use to carry me through future days.

He prepares me now because He loves me and wants me to be prepared not because He wants me to hurt or struggle with fear or loneliness.

He is an awesome God I serve. I joke that I am awesome a lot, I am made in God's image, any awesomeness you see in me is just a reflection of the awesomeness of God.

I am James Lingerfelt, a Christian, saved by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ who gave his life freely upon the cross after living a sinless life. That same Jesus that was then buried and rose again on the third day and appeared to many before returning to Heaven.

Shattered dreams like shattered glass litter the hallway of my heart
and I bleed from the cuts your words inflict
I know I said I'd never hurt again
but those were lies.
So I fall on my face and my tears rain down like a hurricane
and you won't know about my lonesome call
perched upon your ivory tower
too far away to see.
And I scream as loud as I can letting loose my pride
held in the expanse of my mind
and shamefaced I stand
letting myself go.
Into the darkness, into the abyss, silently I slip
forgetting all I've known
burying my dreams
with this sack of bones.
When it hurts too much to go on breathing
when it hurts too much to smile
I'll trust the cold ground
before your cold heart again.
It's been the same for far too long
there's a lion caged in my heart
roaring for release
straining at the chains.
These shattered dreams await a broken spirit
that knows no peace
no calm
no love.
Like a banshee scream ripping through my heart
comes the crescendo of pain
and my heart that beats no more
is in your hands.
And you just look at me and smile
as you rip it from my chest
because you don't care
the grave in your wake.
A broken life
a broken heart
a broken man
a broken dream.
I sit and cry out
my body shaken by my grief
as you walk away
and I gasp for life.
Too many times
too many times
too many times
its been this way.
The dreams that are shattered
the heart that is broken
and all I do is give up
and not even try.
Thunder shakes the room as I stand from my seat
to take my place in the hall of warriors
putting on my armor, gathering my shield
for the next time.
Walls I build around me
defenses for my heart
to keep them out
that could hurt me.
I build my prison walls thinking they protect me
never seeing that they keep others out
at the expense of my experience
and I throw away the key.
No one gets in this time
I'll live on my island and no one can hurt me
except myself and your memory.

Not Anymore
Not that person you once were anymore,
and it frightens me.
See you've made it through that swinging door,
and stand for all to see.
Unashamed in your standing,
unabashed in your way.
Proud and high,
facing each day.

A Decision
Feelings I have longed for
since I can remember
but feelings I can't share
not a peep into her ear.
It's more than she is ready for
and though it breaks my heart
I have to let her go her way
for that is where we start.
There can be no more
than what we have now
and honor her wishes I must
that is my solemn vow.
She came to me upon a dream
and melted my heart of stone
and left me lonely in the morn
once realized I the dream was gone.
How can a man make known
his feelings in the matter
without appearing weak
and stirring up a clatter.
I know he thinks
it's no big deal
but in his heart
he believes it's real.
So much to lose
if he should speak
and frightened man laments
why am I so weak?
No one wants a man
who is so timid
afraid to speak what he wants
while keeping the truth hid.
He's been burnt before
and knows she has been too
and struggle with this he must
what should a brave man do?
Overstepping boundaries
stated time and time
he cannot lose her now
he cannot cross that line.
So he tries to decide
which path to take
hold his silence, or speak up
which one should he make.

Lingerdog's World

A Blog Dedicated to the ins and outs of my life, with occasional trips into creative writing.

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I love writing and am rediscovering that passion. I love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and want to tell as many people as I can about him and what he has done for me.